The wrong application of this common metaphor contributed to my burnout
Fortunately, caring for our mental health is less stigmatized than it used to be. Now, it’s quite normal for people to encourage each other to take care of themselves and recharge. Whenever concepts like this gain wide acceptance, they usually also get watered down. I think that’s what has happened with the popular metaphor, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” The quote is usually attributed to Norm Kelly, who said in a Tweet,
“You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself.” Norm Kelly
Another iteration of this message is attributed to Eleanor Brownn (with two “n”).
Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”-Eleanor Brownn
The origins of this quote are undoubtedly positive. The metaphor can be a powerful reminder of the importance of self-care, wellness, and health. So how did I get this wrong? Let me tell you.
1. I focused on the “pouring”.
I would motivate myself to practice self-care so that I could show up for my clients better, or be there for my friends, my partner, or my family. I would gauge how much self-care I needed so that I would feel okay performing my responsibilities. I’ve also observed this in many clients I’ve worked with. They take care of themselves just enough to function. They take a break or recharge right before they reach that edge of burnout.
The problem with teetering on the edge of burnout is that it doesn’t take much to cross the line. When you’re on the edge, a simple “life happens” type of obstacle can be enough to push you over the edge.
It’s not our fault that this is how we misinterpret this quote. Hustle culture teaches us to focus on the outcome. Many apply this focus on productivity to everything: relationships, wellness, and work.
2. I was impatient with how long it took me to “fill my cup.”
I developed an expectation of myself that a weekend of relaxation should be enough for me to feel recharged. When Monday came around and I didn’t actually feel rested, I ignored it.
Have you ever anticipated feeling rested and recharged after a vacation, a spa day, a yoga class, or a meditation break, but then don’t? These times are opportunities to practice patience with ourselves and our nervous systems. It’s okay if you underestimated the time it would take. Now, when I realize that I still need more care, I take steps to make that happen.
3. I overlooked the important second half of the metaphor, “giving from the overflow.”
People, and by “people” I mean myself, forget this part of the metaphor. “Giving from the overflow” means that your cup is filled to the brim and still filling. It means you are abundantly cared for, energetic (not caffeinated), recharged, rested, and well. When is the last time you felt like that?
It’s probably not feasible for us to show up to work or our relationships feeling like that every day. However, I hope that by highlighting this part of the metaphor you find more motivation to care for yourself with the goal to reach the overflow state. As long as we stop pouring a few drops in the cup just to pour it out again, but instead seek to care for ourselves beyond the minimum survival state, I consider it progress.
Beware of Exploitation
After recognizing the ways this metaphor is misinterpreted, I also realized that there are spaces where these misconceptions are taken advantage of. Self-care phrases like this get misused to extract more productivity out of people. When your workplace tells you, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”, chances are they are dissatisfied with how you’ve been “pouring” into work.
When you are told you need to recharge so that you can produce, show up for others (parenthood included!), it takes away from what is so sacred about our need to “refill”. You’re human! That’s the best reason to refill your cup. When that reason comes first, all other motivations to care for ourselves are amplified and increased in value.
Don’t let this phrase be used to exploit your effort and your labor. Rest. Refill. When you’re ready to give, do so from the overflow. I encourage you to stop giving from the bottom of your cup. 🫗
In summary, when applying the self-care metaphor, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” remember to
- focus on the filling, not the pouring
- be patient with how long the filling might take
- give from the overflow